Sorry, But You Don’t Like Movies… Bub

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Saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine yesterday. As usual, the internet and all it’s sages are atwitter with just why the movie sucked. Tomorrow it will be Star Trek. And after that Transformers 2. And after that, everyone will say how the Wachowski Brothers can’t make movies anymore. And after that, someone will call M. Knight Shyamalan a one trick pony. And so on, and so forth, etc, et al.

After many years of consideration and consternation, I’ve come to one inescapable conclusion. The vocal majority of people who go to see movies, don’t actually like movies. I mean it. I think people have gotten so accustomed to the culture and tradition of going to the movies and renting DVDs that they don’t realize they actually hate them.

It’s one thing to have an opinion and to even have the right to voice it. Why, however, do you feel the need to inundate the internet with expressionless, pointless, redundant articles that to read are more painful and time consuming then watching Superman IV: The Quest for Peace…in Spanish? Are you adding something that the hundred other bloggers, who hated the movie six months before they even saw it, didn’t? Are you contributing anything to the vast repository of human knowledge that is the internet, other then gathering people who hate anything and everything around a rallying cry?

If you’re going to critique something, be articulate as to why. Do you’re research before you say ANYTHING about the special effects or the director or the actors or, well, ANYTHING. And please, for the love of all that’s not repetitive or redundant, stay away from these phrases, as they’re essentially meaningless and only diminish your credibility as a “critic”:

“It sucked.” – Easy there Shakespeare. Wouldn’t want to go over my head now.

“That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” – I’m sure your work on the Nobel Peace Prize will still be there when you get back.

“Don’t waste your money.” – Yes, in a struggling economy desperate for consumers to consume product, this is great advice. While you at it, why don’t you elucidate me on how spending quality time with you family by going to bad movies will cause cancer.

“Over-hyped” – Really, stop watching the trailers already. Over-hyped means the advertisers went way beyond the pale trying to make you think the movie was going to be great, even though it wasn’t. You discussing it with your friends whilst playing Halo 3 for six months does not count as part of that advertising system.

“Cheesy special effects” – I don’t care if you can tell it’s CGI. You’ve never seen a ten foot, 1000 lbs green indestructible behemoth. So how do you know he doesn’t look “real”?

“drek”, “crap”, “steaming pile” or other clever epithets – Yes, there was a pile of dinosaur crap in the movie, and you comparing the movie to the crap scene is utter genius. As is your imaginary conversation about the movie execs sitting around the table and conversing about how to make the movie suck. You’re a regular Seinfeld, er, without the humor part.

Stop going to movies, already. I mean it. You’re only causing yourself unnecessary pain and cluttering up the already cluttered up internet with ACTUAL meaningless drivel. Think about it. You and everyone who agrees with you just spent hours of time and thousands of dollars worth of bandwidth just further bringing attention to something that you don’t think people should be wasting time and money on. Is that not the definitions of irony?

Movies are a billion dollar industry, and they don’t seem to be changing anytime soon. You’re not seeking the improvement of the movie making industry and you’re not offering any tenable suggestions or solutions of you’re own. So what the heck are you doing?

Really, you’re a lactose intolerant Ice Cream taster. Re-evaluate why you even bother doing something which is bringing you so little joy. You’ve assumed that the millions of people who go see these movies are just brainwashed into liking anything. Maybe you’ve been brainwashed into thinking that you have to watch movies, because everybody else does. Just because you like a few movies is no indication that you like the whole. You can love Calzones and still hate Italian Food. You can rave about IE8 and still think Microsoft is the Antichrist. But when you hate the larger part of a whole, you don’t immerse yourself in the experience every time the opportunity arises, just because everyone else does. Then blog about how much you hated it later. How much sense does that make?

I hate to tell you this, bub. But on the whole, you hate movies. And if that’s the case, the movies will only hate you back. Actual paid movie criticism is barely journalism as it is. Ask yourself what you’re contributing to the world, or to yourself in the pursuit of interests that only seem to be causing you physical pain and outbursts of clich�d humor. Try taking up a hobby. I hear their doing some interesting things with tea bags in the Midwest…

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